Now, as I experienced prior to my previous bout of travelling, there is a certain element of fear before taking the plunge.
Dread might be an even more fitting word to use.
I’m a bit loathe to admit it, wishing to picture myself as some valiant vagabond, unsettled by the prospect of the unknown. There does however exist some counterweight to the drive for adventure within me.
The weight of what holds me back now though is of a different nature to what held me back from my previous stint of extended travelling. First time around I was not long out of school. Any fears centred more on my ability to cope as an 18-year-old, alone in difficult parts of the world. I was more introverted back then and wondered if I could foster an easy familiarity with strangers readily enough to not end up lonely. Back then though, I did at least hold the advantage of already having cast off the shackles of my life in the UK. School was finished, friends were off shaping their new lives at university without me. There wasn’t anything of substance holding me back. Roosevelt’s assertion that ‘the only thing to fear was fear itself’ seems a pretty neat fit.
This time there’s much more I’m leaving behind. Aside from the distaste for my job, my life in London has felt increasingly rich. I’ve been blessed with some of the greatest friendships and connections of my life, many of them only developed in recent months despite life under lockdown. Perhaps in part they’ve become so important because of the lockdown. For so long I’ve fostered the belief that the place I would flourish and rediscover the best version of myself was beyond the borders of the UK. Recently I have seen strands of this potential emerge at home too. Severing these ties is daunting. I’m aware that the most important of these connections will hold, but to abandon this place and time is still a sacrifice. Things will not wait for me unchanging till I return.
I understand well that all stand-out moments in life are ultimately impermanent.
Attempts to bottle up and preserve these times in our lives all too often suffocates them of their value. Understanding and implementing this philosophy though are unfortunately two different things. I’m still resolved to go onwards. I’ve stood at the precipice of large changes before and I know that summoning the activation energy required to take the plunge has always led to amazing experiences. I would always advise anyone else encountering similar reservations to take the jump too. I’m not ashamed to admit however that this be the hardest of goodbyes I’ve ever had.
Though it may seem banal, a quote at the end of The Beach always stayed with me. Having found and lost his own Leonardo DiCaprio’s character suggests that paradise is “how you feel for a moment in your life when you’re a part of something. And if you find that moment – it lasts forever”. Despite the world having been upside down these past few months, I know I will cherish these recent experiences for life. I hold onto hope that these are still the first of many chapters with those I am leaving behind, and know that plenty of paradise lies ahead.
Onwards
‘You cannot plan on the heart’ said Frank,
But I thought I could have at least guided it.
I shot it across the ocean,
Careening across continents,
It landed and lodged itself only next door.
The bins went out the following week,
My sticky ticker trucked off to the heap.
I’ll go onwards across the sea,
But now my heart will stay and weep.
-Tom Cocker
2 comments
Tom, i just want to say how proud you should be of yourself. You have achieved so much for someone so young. Go and have your adventures, make happy memories and may you find your inner peace. I look forward to following your journey, stay safe 😘
Thank you so much Gita! It was so great to see you recently at the wedding and what amazing men your kids have turned out to be… Crazy that it was so long since we saw each other. Hopefully see you all again far sooner once I am back from my travels 🙂